CLEAN

Homage to Gwen John (1876-1939)

 

Author's intent:

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Men. They brought me so much pain. 

Most of the time, I didn’t even love them… But they still fucked me up. 

 

Society gave me my first shot at belief in love and I fell for men like an addict,

craving the idea they would adore me,

getting high on the attention they gave me,

coming down hard...

But I always needed more,

and it was never enough. 

 

When I was 33, I had my heart broken. People told me I had to find someone to get over the one I loved. These people and I - we really don’t align. 

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At that point, it felt more like I had reached the end of a cycle - like I couldn’t endure more pain from men. I had become jaded and detached - disappointed...
They'd all been too weak to match my level of devotion.

 

Clean is my story as a woman who tries to get clean from man addiction.

It is composed of a collection of very short texts on how I have interacted with men since January 22, 2024, when I stopped engaging in romantic and sexual relationships with them. 

 

This project is a literary experiment, as well as a life experiment.

I started to write Clean without knowing what was going to happen, or what would be the conclusion of it - I still don’t, honestly… I suppose it can only end with death, or a miracle.