CLEAN
2024 - ongoing
Homage to Gwen John (1876-1939)
Author's intent:
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Men. They brought me so much pain.
Most of the time, I didn’t even love them… But they still fucked me up.
Society gave me my first shot at belief in love and I fell for men like an addict,
craving the idea they would adore me,
getting high on the attention they gave me,
coming down hard...
But I always needed more,
and it was never enough.
When I was 33, I had my heart broken. People told me I had to find someone to get over the one I loved. These people and I - we really don’t align.
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At that point, it felt more like I had reached the end of a cycle - like I couldn’t endure more pain from men. I had become jaded and detached - disappointed...
They'd all been too weak to match my level of devotion.
Clean is my story as a woman who tries to get clean from man addiction.
It is composed of a collection of very short texts on how I have interacted with men since January 22, 2024, when I stopped engaging in romantic and sexual relationships with them.
This project is a literary experiment, as well as a life experiment.
I started to write Clean without knowing what was going to happen, or what would be the conclusion of it - I still don’t, honestly… I suppose it can only end with death, or a miracle.
PRESENTATION N°1
Paris, September 2025
Clean
Statement after 616 days of celibacy,
118 short stories.
Clean started as an idea, born from a deep feeling of disappointment, in the context of an identity crisis. This crisis set the foundation for the distance that grew between me and the man I loved, and the inability to rebalance our relationship eventually caused our separation.
Over time, I’ve realised that falling in love is a miracle, and it’s divine if it happens once in a lifetime. I’m afraid some people will never have this chance due to circumstances that they either suffer from or create.
I do believe in miracles, as I was once struck by one. And I do believe I may fall in love again. But I also know it most likely won’t happen.
Miracles are scarce. That’s why we marvel at them.
And I’m fine with it. I’d prefer to have only one love in my life, rather than
one love + a myriad of bland flings afterwards.
I’ll always choose greatness over banality, hoping to reach some sort of absolute.
That’s what inspires me.
During these first 616 days of celibacy, I think that I found a good spot between my willingness to not stain my concept and the authenticity of my experience. I could have broken my celibacy if I had felt the greatest love for someone, but I didn’t meet this person, so it wasn't difficult to uphold my vow.
Clean hasn't only encouraged me to experiment with new ways in my relationships, but also in my writing: finding inspiration in the present, not the past; being guided by a concept, not a storyline; merging my life and my practice more than ever before; and thinking about presentations of the manuscript rather than its publishing. Despite these stimulating aspects, I must admit that people don’t seem very enthusiastic about this project. A friend said it’s because they think I’m wasting my youth and beauty… Yes, please!